quick thought

the idea, concept, act of having a significant other is so strange to me these days. i find myself studying and thinking and thinking about relationships. you have to spend alone time with them, no friend intrusions allowed. alone time with a friend? out of the question. your other friends would inquire as to why they aren't allowed as well? if you choose your friends over your boyfriend: bad girlfriend. vice versa? bad friend. its a twisted concept i don't fare well with. as for being the third wheel? you can just forget that. you have a pleasant day with said couple, only to have the awkward parting, as they say without saying "we are going home together, kick rocks." of course not so mean. but at that certain time in the night you are expected to go home or find other plans. and i thought we were always taught that friends are forever? more like friends are forever until your mid twenties. and we all say otherwise but just take a look around. you can see it in any married couple. hardly any friends. i am NOT DOWN FOR THAT LIFE. i am cracked out on coffee right now but i've this way for days, weeks, so on. but of course just wait until the day i am on the other end of this rant. ughhh

:)))))))))))))

ay yiyiyiiyiyiiiiiiiii
i made a very haste decision to go forth with italy. applications come out within the week and i WILL make sure my application is in that office on top of the whole pile. I get paid tomorrow, so that whole check will go to the deposit. i have picked my 12 units for next semester, and im ready to start saving my money for this shit!
mostly i will be living off a loan of $8,000, but i hope so save at least $1,000 of my own money and see what kind of charity my nana is willing to kick down.
i will be in florence italy for 10 weeks, taking my regular required units with an emphasis on the italian language, art, history, and way of life.
i will have the opportunity to see rome, venice, naples, and pompei, not to mention parts of italy ive never even heard of. and maybe a chance to go to another country (england, france, spain?)
i am just really bugging about making sure i get a spot. i know im capable of everything else i need to do to prepare, i just need to make sure i get that spot.
so i am habitually checking my email at least every 20 minutes to see if i get that email that says applications are available, its every man for himself.


and in the middle of writing this i go to my email and get the letter that says every man for himself.
i need to get there on monday BRIGHT and EARLY to be first. luckily the room is closed fridays, and they are only open for another hour today. so i have a good chance, i hope. however i need to get a passport ASAP. ok i feel all queezy nervous talking about this. bye.

ok.

I had this rant about the same time one year ago, however, I am making ze $$$ now SO, here is my prospect:
Florence Italy Thursday February 11th, - Saturday April 24th 2010

$7,000.
3 payment increments, plus $400 registration fee, plus enough money to be comfortable for 10 weeks, plus enough things to buy and take with me so I don't end up going crazy, PLUS convincing someone to go to Italy for a week to see me? ;)
I am the worst person to go anywhere because I get homesick real quick. However, I need to grab this opportunity by the throat while i have the money and the time.

But don't quote me on this endeavor, I am the flake of all time.

mmk, have to go to work, bye.

do you believe in rock n roll? can music save your mortal soul?

i have some serious gushing to do, this is probably the best place to do it. not COMPLAINING if thats what it seems, just some ideas, thoughts, worries, that i've bounced around in my own head for a few weeks now.
what is to come with this fall? i am completely unsure as to what i need to do to feel some kind of energy in myself. should i continue school? try to get a full time job, save up, and take off somewhere? this life is becoming stagnant day to day, not so much the people, just my life personally. how id love to relocate the 8 block radius that all my friends live in and stick it somewhere else. so these are the things i am dealing with. i know i SHOULD be in school, blah blah. but if i could have the chance to save up and get away, even for just a month, that would be worth a semester off. probably not beneficial, but worth it. i don't have much holding me back, i don't feel like it would matter much where i ended up or what my decisions are. i just cant wrap my head around the idea of relocating, seems impossible in my puny little brain. i'm not good at much, mediocre at best, including hard work, school work, and saving up. i'm some punk with dreams but no ambition. i need a kick in the ass to jump start something, anything. i have to leave before i am left so maybe this is what will come out of me this summer? we will see.

back to black

by the recent discovery of allison's blog, i have found myself trying to think of the password to this thing. then i read all these stupid little posts HAHA. blogs are always fun no matter how wack you may feel after writing in it or think it is in general. i really have nothing to say besides ANOTHER SEMESTER OF MATH DOWN THE DRAIN. thats right kids, i think i am doomed to be a loser all my life. oh well. school is almost over, the summer is inching towards us and i have alot to look forward too. being busy with things will make me appreciate all the free time i will have. not to mention a big WEDDING that is drawing nearer. and two of my favorite people finally coming home and hanging out with me for more than a few days.
ok this fly keeps flying in my ear so i'm going to get out of here.

uhhhhh

i am NO GOOD AT SCHOOL. i am so unmotivated and lazy and everything else. I dont know when i will wake up and tell myself that i need to get shit done. I love music and any class pertaining to music but i cant sit through these classes that pose no interest to me. And then i stop and think about my own thought process and realize how much this state of mind has set me back. People of equal or quite frankly lesser intelligence have made it much further than i have. i have no accomplishment. of course i cherish the brains and intelligence i have, but by being so ignorant and so unnerved about the future i have unknowingly set myself back a great deal. and of course every person knows that what they do now eventually causes repercussion in the future, but the choice to live by "out of sight, out of mind" makes you basically have a pretty easy set up until you come to the big crossroads. So basically by FUCKING myself i am stuck at community college taking english 105, intro to anthropology, math 96; in their stead i could be taking something more mind expanding music theory, classical lecture. i could be at a university sitting one on one with a teacher there to show me exactly what i need to better myself as a musician. of course theres ways to do this myself, but im still me. i need to do some major inner changes. NOT TO MENTION MY SOCIAL LIFE IS A DRAG. HAHA im a complainer, this shit is weak.

for emily, wherever i may find her

And when you ran to me
Your cheeks flushed with the night
We walked on frosted fields
Of juniper and lamplight
I held your hand

And when I awoke
And felt you warm and near
I kissed your honey hair
With my grateful tears
Oh I love you girl
Oh I love you